Starting a PhD and failing right away.

I have been doing this for two weeks now. It’s a disaster. On the bright side, my destroyed ego is kinda healing cause my ex reached out and it was satisfying, ego purposes only. I’m not used to be rejected, and having this person ignoring me the last time was a punch in the face. Not that I think that one can get used to rejection, but certainly it’s harder to deal with something when you have no practice.

Now, in the dark side, I’m doing awful. Two weeks now and I barely know what I’m supposed to do. My writing is shit, as every reader of this blog can see (not that I have readers, but maybe one day…), but I hope it’ll improve with a lot of effort. I can’t read, I can’t even start. I waste all day trying to fix little things before starting, and when I start it’s already seven in the afternoon. All I’ve done so far is complaining and being scared. Chatting with everyone, even people I don’t give a fuck about. Watching videos on procrastination, reading about how to write, reading whatever I found, everything but the papers I was supposed to. They are looking at me from the desk, smiling. I wish they were sexy and I could… I don’t know. Fuck them.

I used to work very late, all night. If I started, let’s say, at seven, I could finish at 4:00am and be happy with my progress. Now, cause I don’t want to be a raging mess, I’ve promised to myself I was going to finish at 11:00 no matter what. So now I start at 7:00, waste more time, and go to bed at 11:00. Chat for two hours with my drunk lover, and then sleep very late. Next morning I feel guilty and stressed and hating myself. Yay. Success is on the sight!

My love life is just as messy. I am dating a couple of people, and they both have names that start with the same letter, so I’ve mixed messages here and there. One of them is plain stupid. Or not stupid, but quite boring outside the bed, so I’m considering just finishing that thing, but that scares the shit out of me for it feels like I’m committing to the other one, and for the life of me, I can’t have a relationship just now. It would be another excuse to not doing shit the whole day. Incidental lovers feel like a safe choice just now.

But let’s see what life brings (as if I wasn’t building a whole disaster myself).

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Useless pressure to succeed

Despite having everyone saying how important is success and hard work, I cannot get myself to actually work. I feel bored. I’m totally lacking of motivation, but I think it’s just because what I have to do seems impossible to accomplish. What if I fail? What if what I write is awful? If I don’t write, no one will ever notice how bad it is. If I do, whoever reads it will think it’s shite and I’ll have to face that I wasn’t born for this.

Then again, I’m being dramatic as fuck. It will be bad, that I know because most things are graceless when they are new. Even newborns are awful as fuck, no matter how much their mothers insist on the opposite. They are biased by oxytocin, and no one will produce it when reading my manuscripts. I need to start and then make it better. There’s nothing to edit in a blank page.

What if I change my habits?

It’s not a new year’s resolution. I was just thinking how much time I waste chatting first thing in the morning. Just because I am in love, I want to see my messages first thing in the morning, every day. Then we talk for a while and when I realise it, it’s bloody late and I haven’t done shit.

So, little change in my life: won’t heck social media until two hours from waking up.

Heartbreak

I read that only four out of every 100 PhD students will get a permanent position in Academia. That sucks. That breaks my heart because I started late compared to most people I know. I am scared, wondering if I wasted my time. I don’t feel part of a community, and I guess that what made me miss my ex is only that she was all my connection to that world I want to be part of. I had so much pleasure when she explained how she was going to publish this and that, because somehow I felt closer to it.

They say that it’s a lot about connections and who your supervisor is. Mine is a regular one, in an important university if you like, but still not outstanding. It doesn’t mean I will give up because I am stubborn as fuck, and failure does not intimidate me. I always go for what I want knowing that I can fail and that doesn’t change a thing most of the times. I keep trying and trying and trying until I get what I want. But that scenario frightens me because I am the kind of boring person who doesn’t talk about anything besides her research. Seriously, I only think about my topic, unless something really unusual is happening. Like that breakup, and I really didn’t talk about her before that. I started talking about just because I was trying to understand, because that’s what I do. Everything.

I am very intelligent and hard working. Most of all, I am obsessive when I love something. You could say that that’s what it takes to achieve your goals. What I have heard about Academia is very different from that. There’s a lot of randomness when it comes to have a position. Everyone has a story about how they got the one they have, and most of the time it includes luck. It doesn’t mean that a bunch of lucky but incompetent people can get it. It only means that most of the ones who actually can get a PhD in a decent university, share the same characteristics: love their topic, are hard working and intelligent. Even if it was a fair competition, I am not sure if I am better than all of them to get one of those four positions.

Hate this day so much.

A more compassionate world.

How hard is to walk in someone else’s shoes?

I am amazed at my own lack of compassion. Cannot count the times in which I wasn’t really trying to understand the other person, but to make my point of view clear enough. I overthink every thing I do, to a point in which I am sure I have thought about every possibility. Therefore, my opinion has to be the right one, right?

Well, no. I’m too young -and I am not young- to understand life to a decent extent. Understanding other people’s point of view seems like a gigantic task. But I am trying, and I wish we all could. It takes a lot of brain power to get out of our believes and actually listen. To not understanding people through our experiences, but though theirs. I know it’s borderline impossible, but I know also how big a difference can make if we at least, try.

In this beautiful journey of becoming a more compassionate human being, I am committed to listen more than speaking. To understand more than explain.

We’ll see how it goes.

What I’ve learned from a my last shitty relationship

I should take time before opening up to people I like. I’m rather reserved (hence the anonymity of this blog) and shy. My ex doesn’t know a bunch of important things about me. But I was writing her long love letters and crying over her, just to realise afterwards that she was basically a stranger. No wonder why she didn’t believe me that much when I told her she was amazing. It was not only her insecurities, which were too much, anyways, but because how can you fall so hard for something you don’t know? I should let six months pass before actually saying I’m in love, because it tastes like a lie if after a month from the breakup I just don’t give a shit anymore. Because there’s nothing to miss besides having a relationship when you don’t know them in the goods and the bads. I didn’t know she could be so offensive, and if you were to tell me she was, four months ago I wouldn’t believe it. And fuck, she is. And she’s the kind of person who insults when she’s hurting. I should have known better, cause she told me she was an asshole to her ex. And she was more into her ex than the other way around, so how in seven hells I thought she would be nicer to me?

I should let time pass to see how they are under different circumstances. I can’t remember who told me that it takes six months for someone to reveal their true self. Didn’t believe it cause I’m too transparent, and even though I deliberately hide about certain things when I don’t know someone, none of them actually change what I show about my personality. For instance, I never talk about my IQ cause I don’t want people to expect a lot from me based on a number. But I do talk about my ADHD. If they think I’m stupid, I don’t want to change that. I don’t care. But I don’t pretend I’m patient when I go insane if I have to queue.

It’s not that I think they were pretending. But if life had put her under some stress, I would have known how badly she reacts when she’s annoyed. When things are going well, we all are sweets. But when life is kicking you in the jaw, then you let your temper go out, and that’s what puts people under different categories ranging from a zen monk to the incarnation of Devil himself. She was yelling at me when the taxi was late. She was rude when she was about to miss a flight. She yelled at me again when she lost her keys and I didn’t have anything to do with it. But it takes time for people like me to realise that’s a pattern, and unless she can have a smooth life without any bumps, then I should have consider if I actually wanted to date someone like her.

I rushed, and fell madly in love for someone who’s depressed most of the time, someone who doesn’t take compliments very well cause her self esteem is harmed, someone who can be distant and cold just because why not? And all the signs were there, but I didn’t see them cause I was infatuated. If I had only waited three months… then perhaps I could have seen all of that clearly. Because I wouldn’t have the blurred vision we all have at the beginning of a relationship, and because I would have seen the pattern. So next time, I will wait months before showing that much affection.

It’s not only about me. What would they think if I tell the they’re perfect and the best damn thing that has ever happened to me, and then after a few months I want to fucking fly to Mars? That can hurt people too.

Decisions.

I have been doing yoga for two days now. Sleeping earlier, smoking way less. And despite how a nuance this can look like, it made a huge difference in my self perception. I feel stronger, and way happier. I’m in a good mood all day, and I’m feeling optimistic. I missed a call from my lover and then missed getting a cheap flight cause I couldn’t pay on time, and I was laughing about it.

Thinking of all those young scientists makes me feel very behind. How is it that I’m not involved with them? I’m so apart… they all have a great community and I’m not doing shit to be part of it, basically cause I don’t know where to start. So I need a plan for that too, if I want to be part of a growing community of bright minds. So I need to work on it, starting tomorrow because tonight I need to stick to the plan and sleep early. I’m so satisfied now, feeling like I’m going in the right track, finally…