I have been doing this for two weeks now. It’s a disaster. On the bright side, my destroyed ego is kinda healing cause my ex reached out and it was satisfying, ego purposes only. I’m not used to be rejected, and having this person ignoring me the last time was a punch in the face. Not that I think that one can get used to rejection, but certainly it’s harder to deal with something when you have no practice.
Now, in the dark side, I’m doing awful. Two weeks now and I barely know what I’m supposed to do. My writing is shit, as every reader of this blog can see (not that I have readers, but maybe one day…), but I hope it’ll improve with a lot of effort. I can’t read, I can’t even start. I waste all day trying to fix little things before starting, and when I start it’s already seven in the afternoon. All I’ve done so far is complaining and being scared. Chatting with everyone, even people I don’t give a fuck about. Watching videos on procrastination, reading about how to write, reading whatever I found, everything but the papers I was supposed to. They are looking at me from the desk, smiling. I wish they were sexy and I could… I don’t know. Fuck them.
I used to work very late, all night. If I started, let’s say, at seven, I could finish at 4:00am and be happy with my progress. Now, cause I don’t want to be a raging mess, I’ve promised to myself I was going to finish at 11:00 no matter what. So now I start at 7:00, waste more time, and go to bed at 11:00. Chat for two hours with my drunk lover, and then sleep very late. Next morning I feel guilty and stressed and hating myself. Yay. Success is on the sight!
My love life is just as messy. I am dating a couple of people, and they both have names that start with the same letter, so I’ve mixed messages here and there. One of them is plain stupid. Or not stupid, but quite boring outside the bed, so I’m considering just finishing that thing, but that scares the shit out of me for it feels like I’m committing to the other one, and for the life of me, I can’t have a relationship just now. It would be another excuse to not doing shit the whole day. Incidental lovers feel like a safe choice just now.
But let’s see what life brings (as if I wasn’t building a whole disaster myself).